Disgusted
by Pixiedragon1
Summary: Severus Snape is feeling disgusted, my first fic, only 1 chapter.


Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this fanfic.

And I'm glad I don't, because I can write as good as Jim can sing (2nd in the Dutch Idols), the only difference is that he thinks he can sing and I know I can't write.

J.K. Rowling owns them all, and she writes so good, we all know the books and most of them love them. (And thanx to Linda Lupos, my beta reader ^_^)

Disgusted 

I feel disgusted with myself...

Everything I do... I hate what I have become...

Laughing at the pain of others...

Helping, being friendly towards the persons I dislike, shouting at the persons I would have liked... ofcourse, there are exceptions...

Disgusted for the things I do... disgusted for the things I say...

I had the wrong friends, but I can't get out of it.... 

I still have to call them my friends...

Nobody knows what it is like to be me... 

Everybody hates me for what I am...

I do not want to be me... 

I hate myself for what I am...

Only one person likes me...

Well, that is what he says.

He would be a fool if he did like me...

He only does something for me when I do something for him, without me, he, and a lot of other people would be dead...

But nobody knows what I have done for them, they just hate me for what they think I am...

There are people who act nice to me, but they only do because they are told to do or want something from me.

But on the inside... they hate me...

Even the cat, she feels sorry for me sometimes... but she cannot forgive some things I have done...

Death... and life... 

I have seen people, even brave persons, begging for their own lives...

And others, wanting to die to save others...

Of course, these others were also killed by the Death Eaters.

The ones I admire are the persons who do not care if they live or die.

They are the strongest opponents, fighting against two or more Death Eaters at the same time.

And when they admit defeat, if they are not dead yet, they are standing proudly until the curse hits them...

It was all in the past... it was...

But now... it has returned...

I have been living a lie for years... dreading that moment...

I had to make them believe I was still on their side... 

But I was not...

Being at Hogwarts made it easier on one way... but more difficult on another way...

Especially when he came back....

Waiting for the moment the Mark burned again was terrible...

But it was even worse when it did...

I had not felt the pain in years, I was not used to it anymore...

I returned to him, my fear growing every second...

Unlike some people I have seen, I fear death...

I have done too many things to, if there was an afterlife, be sure I will get to go to a good place.

On the other hand... I am longing for death, escaping from this cursed life...

But he did not kill me, he tortured me, used Legilimency to find out if I was still a slave of him...

And I pretended I was the person I do not want to be...

Even tough something inside of me screamed to let him know the truth, so I could leave this damned life for ever...

I did not, and he thought again I was on his side, the side I do not want to be...

Now... every mistake I make can be the end of me..

If I do something for the side I want to join, and make a mistake...

I am sure he would know it as soon as possible...

He has other spies everywhere, and not only the Death Eaters and their children...

And when I make a mistake if I work for the side I have to stay, the Ministry will get me...

They had to let me go before, but they still hate me for what they think I am...

If I give them a chance, I will rot away in Azkaban...

I was saved the last time they wanted to send me there, but that will not happen again...

When I will be caught again, truly nobody will like me...

While the Ministry was believing he had not returned again and living their own, peaceful lives... my fear grew again...

I was still free from the Ministry following my tail, but I knew some Death Eaters and members of the Order did...

But when the Ministry saw him, and the Death Eaters who had been caught... they were after me too...

Now... every day, every hour, every minute... I fear the Mark will burn on my skin, leading me to my own death...

And Aurors coming in my office, demanding me to follow quietly or die resisting...

The Ministry does not know I try everything I can to save their precious lives, only a few people know...

And the only reward I get is being hated by everybody, nobody knowing what I do or even what I feel, and feeling disgusted by myself...

Even if I told them my whole story, without missing one single detail, they still would not know who or what I am.

They cannot understand how it is to be hated by everyone, standing between sides, helping and betraying them both...

They do not know how it feels to live with a fear that grows every day...

Wishing for death, and dreading it...

I feel disgusted for what I am...


End file.
